How to ease congestion on Britain’s roads has never been simpler. According to the department of transport we can solve this problem by using the road step system. Step one, step two and step three.

Step one:

Install road humps, traffic lights, no drive zones, one way systems, speed cameras and a million other things to bring the driver to a grinding halt.

Step two:

Close lanes on the road. This involves taking two or three lanes from the route and filtering them into one lane. But, it has been essential to explain to the general public this latest plan. You will see signs on recently modified road networks throughout the country.

Step three:

The next step has not yet been released, but a leak from a government source indicated that the 1960′s Richard Baron Beeching report has been dusted down and initial findings are good. Although “The Beeching Report” had more to do with the railway network, the principles could be used on the road network too, the source is alleged to have told a reporter last week.

When pushed, the source admitted, yes, Beeching did close 2000 miles of track, and yes, road closures would solve the congestion problem.

 

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How can we be sure we are living our life?

We sometimes ask ourselves “what’s it all about”, when referring to our life,  without even thinking what we are really saying. Some people have a life plan and know exactly where they are at the present time, and where they are going. Some can visualise their life plan too and know exactly what path it will take. Others, drift along without thinking, but the Dalai Lama appears to have put in a little more effort than most of us would in thinking about that.

There is a lesson to be learned, I think.

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How can you boil water when you have no container to put it in?

May 9, 2012

In maths, 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 equal 12,345,678,987,654,321.  There are no words in the English language that rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. The man behind the voice of Bugs Bunny (Mel Blanc) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the allied forces killed the only elephant in Berlin [...]

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How the big seven water supply companies could avoid a hosepipe ban.

May 8, 2012

How the big seven water supply companies could avoid a hosepipe ban. Thames Water, Anglian Water, Veolia Central Water, Southern Water, South East Water, Sutton & East Surrey Water and Veolia South East Water are running out of water. In these hard times of diminishing water levels the using of a hosepipe is strictly forbidden [...]

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How to make a fortune by painting a simple picture with pastels.

May 8, 2012

The artist Edvard Munch could never have predicted that one day his picture “The Scream” could be sold at auction for a mind bending $120,000,000 – one hundred and twenty million dollars. Walking home one night he caught a glimpse of an interesting red sky that inspired a hasty pastel sketch. This Norwegian painter made [...]

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How can you tell whether you have eaten too much?

May 2, 2012

According to the journal of the American Medical Association in 1960, a patient who only complained of swollen ankles had 258 items inside his stomach. These included a 3lb piece of metal, 26 keys, 3 sets of rosary beads, 16 religious medals, a bracelet, a necklace, 3 pairs of tweezers, 4 nail clippers, 39 nail files, 3 metal chains [...]

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How can you tell if you have a bad sex life?

May 2, 2012

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. (Woody Allen) My love life is so bad I’m taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the pope in the semi-final. (Guy Bellamy) We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take [...]

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How to have a good time and a new life with Ebay

May 2, 2012

Ian Usher knew exactly what to do when his marriage came to an end it was revealed recently. He auctioned his home, his car and his job on Ebay. Usher re-emerged this week  and told how he spent the past two years swimming with whales, running with bulls and learned how to fly a plane, [...]

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How to find and buy the perfect parrot!

May 1, 2012

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’ The parrot says, ‘I was born this way.  I’m a defective parrot.’ ‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies.  ’You actually [...]

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How to stop men staring at women’s breasts!

May 1, 2012

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music!The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size.This is considered a major social breakthrough because for generations women have been complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.  

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